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Note: I've sat on this post and thought about whether to publish it or not.  I started this blog to show my true feelings about losing Patrick and how I deal with the day to day grief of losing my child.  This is not my best post but, it is honest about how I am feeling today.  And we all know the truth about feelings--they are tricksy(yes, tricksy), ever changing, and are easily manipulated.

Not much left to do today–I plan to wipe down the kitchen, have to go to the hospital for blood work, have a chiro appt. and then hopefully get some sleep tonight because tomorrow my little Patrick is going to be here!!!!!!!

Me 9/8/2010

I had so many things I wanted to write out today but when I try to write it’s just not there. Anything of substance that I wanted to say is replaced with a searing red hot anger and self pity. Anger that Patrick is not here. Anger that this is my life. Anger with the decision I made to take a road trip on March 14th. Anger that the people driving behind me were not paying attention. Anger that everything in my life is forever changed. I want to kick and scream and have a fit! I want somebody to give in and let me have my way. It’s not fair that I went from the pictures above to the picture below in 7.5 years.

Tomorrow is a day I have to endure. There will be no joy or excitement of waking up, snapping a picture first thing in the morning and singing, ‘happy birthday’. There’s nothing that anybody can say or do to make it better–Oh how I wish there were! I’d line them up and let them tell me it all day long! There’s no amount of distraction that will make the day easier. Will I feel like Jesus is there with me making the day somewhat bearable? Probably not; but, I’ll pray anyway, maybe… Then tomorrow will be over and the next day I will have to get up and go on about my life again like everything is fine. It’s never going to be fine again. There is nothing to erase the pain. It’s never going to be okay and the days ahead are never going to be as good as they could have been. There’s always going to be that pang of sadness no matter how good of a day it was. Some(ONE)thing will always be missing.

Grief is this daunting and continual climb out of a deep, muddy, and slippery pit. It’s been a long while since I’ve been this far down in the pit. I get tired of climbing. I want to escape the feelings that weigh heavy in my heart and keep my brain from settling down, the feelings that make my stomach hurt and my head pound. I want to feel normal again. I want to experience life again without the constant knowledge of crippling grief. I want to be free of knowing that it all can change in a second.

I won’t sleep tonight. It won’t be the same kind of sleepless night I had 9 years ago. No, this one will be full of tears, regret, a wish for a do-over, and a prayer that tomorrow morning never gets here.