Just some things…

I usually have a running list in my head about things I want to write about. Sometimes it’s a full thought out post and other times it’s some bits and pieces. Sometimes if I don’t sit down and write it all out I lose whatever bits and pieces I had floating around. It is so frustrating when that happens! Last night I had a whole thing on grace that I wanted to write about. It sounded so good in my head but I was crawling into bed and I just wanted to go to sleep. This afternoon I thought I still had it all stored there in my brain, but when I started writing it out, it was mostly gone and it didn’t sound near as good as it did last night… Note: write things down when you first think of them!

So just some things that have been running through my head in no particular order and most topics are without a few supporting paragraphs…

Like I said rambling ideas…

Grace–I just hope there’s a whole lot of grace for parents that have lost their children. Does God get tired of me asking why or being angry with him? I need so much grace to handle all the triggers that are right around the corner–some that I know will happen and some that trip me up and make me want to run and hide. Grace, I just need a lot of it. I want some kind of special consideration–as much as that is not me to want something extra, this time I want the extra grace. I want special privileges where grace is concerned.

While I want the extra grace, and truthfully I don’t believe God is withholding any grace from me or from anyone else, I want to stop being offended. I also hope that parents that have lost children can eventually stop being offended. I follow some blogs, I read facebook posts, I follow grief posts on instagram. I’ve become a grief following junkie. I’ve noticed a pattern. We bereaved parents take offense to a lot of things. I understand the offense, the anger, to need to feel justified in our thoughts and feelings. I understand how easy it is to get my feelings hurt over a comment that had nothing to do with me or the intent was never meant to be taken the way I took it…sometimes it still hurts, still makes me angry, still makes me want to be the victim…you know because my child is dead. I want a free pass. I want to get passed that mindset. I remember a few weeks after Patrick died and people had been taking care of us. People cleaned our house, brought us food, did the laundry, etc. It was probably the first time we ventured out into the public and we were at the grocery store. We were standing in line to pay for a few groceries and I remember in my state of mind that I was so angry at having to wait in line. I wanted someone to say, ‘oh your son just died, here come to the front of the line’. I knew then it was absurd, but it’s what I wanted. I’ve gotten over wanting to be moved to the front of the line but I want to move past the words that sting. No one meant for them to sting but they do. I want to take the higher ground and take comments and questions at face value. I don’t want to squirm uncomfortably and make situations awkward. I don’t want to make every comment I hear as some kind of personal attack.

I want the people that have stood by us to know how much they mean to us. Grief didn’t just change us, it changed how we view relationships, friendships, family. Patrick’s death has made us change the way we perceive everything. Patrick died and we’ll never recover. It’s hard to be a friend to a grieving parent. There’s a handful that have been with us every step of the way. You are loved and appreciated beyond measure. As Patrick would say, ‘I love things that are epic and beautiful.’ You friends are epic and beautiful to us. You’ve been with us through the worst and you stayed. Our raw and unfiltered emotions didn’t scare you or cause you to leave us. You may have had some private, ‘what in the hell’ conversations but we weren’t privy to them and you stayed and you kept checking to make sure we were okay. We love you–no matter what. (We always told the boys I love you! No matter what. There’s nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you or love you any less).

2 years–so hard to believe it’s been almost 2 years.

So that’s my ramblings, in no particular order. Maybe I can come back and expand on some of these.