We’ve all seen those lists. There’s dozens of “my life as a bereaved parent”, “what I’ve learned as a bereaved parent”, “how to talk to a bereaved parent”. I’m sure you’re familiar with them if you’ve spent any time on the internet researching grief, death of loved one, child loss, etc.

I believe grief is a personal experience. There are universal truths that we all experience in the ebb and flow of dealing with loss, but each experience is unique to you as a person. So, here is a list of my feelings and experiences, my life as a bereaved parent.

1. I come with baggage. A lot of baggage. I may be excited and make plans with you only to cancel at the last minute. I may be perfectly fine one minute, laughing and enjoying the day and a crying mess the next. Today I was fine, but then an ambulance came flying down the road and the strobing lights and high pitched squeal of the sirens brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I have no control over what will trigger my emotions.

2. Holidays are brutal. Birthdays are too–all birthdays, not just Patrick’s. It’s like waiting for your favorite person to show up for the celebration and they never do.

3. I put myself first now. I take care of my needs and yes, even my wants first. It doesn’t make me selfish. It’s how I survive.

4. I am so envious that you are still getting to raise your children.

5. I do not sit around and cry all day. Not at first, but as time as gone by, I laugh more than I cry these days.

6. I am capable and do normal things like go to work, the grocery store, meet up with friends.

7. I’m probably going to be in counseling for the rest of my life because I know this loss is never going to be fixed.

8. My emotions and feelings are amplified.

9. Grief has taught me more about compassion than anything else in this life. Instead of making immediate judgments I try to take time to understand a situation better, dig deeper into a person’s motives and behavior, to be kinder and gentler with people

10. I don’t want to be treated as fragile yet I want and need understanding when I’m not quite myself.

11. I will never tire of telling people about Patrick and sharing him with the world. He will always be one of my greatest joys.

It doesn’t really feel like Christmas. I’m going through the motions better than last year. I’ve got a new house to focus on–unpacking, decorating, new routines–like which way to the bathroom and which light switch turns on the kitchen light, what’s the best way to the grocery store… A new house that’s never known Patrick, but he’s very much here with us.

A lot has happened this past year. A lot of bad and a lot of good. Last year at this time I was in a terrible place. The grief was too much. I could have easily made some poor decisions but by the grace of God he kept me from completely falling apart and making my life more complicated than it already was. Year 2 is just as hard as year 1. Year 2 doesn’t have the shock to numb you like year 1 did. Year 2 you find out who is really there for you and who loves you through the good, the bad, and the ugly of grief–because in grief, all 3 are there.

I’ve been following a blog where bereaved parents submit their blog posts. Our losses are deeply personal but the feelings, emotions, gains, and setbacks we all experience are the same. Most of the focus is on the bad and the ugly because every day is bad and ugly. Good days after the death of your child no longer exist. It’s just that some days there’s a little more light shining through than the other days, so those are the good days. But, I’ve been trying to think about and focus on good things.

I don’t believe Patrick died to teach me a lesson or that I need to search out the good in this situation or any other ideas that people come up with to somehow justify or clarify, or even at times speak for God about why a child dies. There is no good reason for children to die.
But in our limited minds we think there has to be a reason. It has to be more than the person driving behind you wasn’t paying attention and smashed into your car at 70 mph. No, there has to be a reason, a purpose, an explanation. But the reality is Patrick died because the person behind us was not paying attention and hit us at 70 mph causing his fatal injuries. So what do you do with that?

I’m human with a limited capacity for understanding and I will always want a better explanation than that. There isn’t an explanation that will make me feel better but, there are things that happen because of a traumatic experience. If we can slow down for just a minute and peak outside the cloud of our own minds, we can take those things and make them the good.

I didn’t need Patrick to die to make me be a better person, a kinder person, a more compassionate person. But, because of his death I have become those things.

I’ve shared this quote and I’ve used it as a teaching tool. The part ‘for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about’ has certainly become more real for me this past year. I hope and pray that I will see people as humans that are trying their best and that kindness will be my first response.

You see Patrick already understood that. Here’s a little excerpt from a conversation we had when he was 5:

We’re reading Holes to P in the evenings. I can’t wait til we can watch the movie with him. It’s one of our favorite books and movie.  This book has led to so many great discussions at home.  

Y’all know my big thing is kindness but occasionally I slip up. P had an aggravating dr. appt this afternoon(not with his regular dr) and I was not kind in my opinion or anything that came out of my mouth and P got all over me about it. 

Mama nobody is a zero. Everyone is worth something, just like everyone called Hector ‘Zero’ because they thought he was dumb and not worth anything. Mama you can’t say unkind things even when you are upset.

Some days the light peaks out a little bit and gives your mind a reprieve…that’s what counts as a good day now.