I thought I would do a little update here since it’s been a couple of weeks. Last time I wrote on here I was at a low point. It was probably one of the lowest if not the lowest point I’ve been at since Patrick died.

I don’t necessarily believe everything happens for a reason but whether we want it or not, things happen… all the time. One decision leads to another and sometimes things turn out okay and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes one decision leads to a whole bunch of little things that change your whole direction.

I resigned from my teaching position and I’ve never felt so much relief. I can’t explain how good it feels to be out of the classroom. I never thought I’d be the one saying that because I have been adamant that I go back to teaching. I remember 2 weeks after Patrick died, I was like I want to go back to school… foolish, I know, but I couldn’t imagine life without being in the classroom. Fast forward almost 4 years later and my teaching has run the gamut. This school year was unlike any I had had before and for the first time, teaching felt wrong to me. I was on the wrong path and definitely not enjoying it. Just like everyone else in the world I did not want to give up a steady income. That part really scared me. I don’t know how it will all work out but I’m going to have faith that it will. The bills are all paid and we aren’t going hungry.

It’s been a month since my doctor gave me a prescription to try. I have been medication resistant as I’ve talked about before. I’ve tried just about all the popular ones and they have either done nothing or exacerbated my depression. This one seems to be working. The first couple of weeks were a little touch and go but I’m finally getting some real sleep, and I have more energy to get out and do things. I’m not running the roads, being Ms. Sociable, or throwing any big parties, but I am living my life, setting boundaries, and enjoy the days. I’ve even been to a bible study… and I’m still not sure where I stand with Jesus but I kind of wanted to be around people so I went a second time… I don’t know if I’ll continue, but it’s progress and shows that I am getting better and not becoming a recluse.

Yesterday at counseling, I told my counselor that I’m still sad because it’s just sad to lose your child, but I am able to pull myself out of despair instead of letting it overtake me. She wrote a note in my file and smiled. I made my counselor smile–a few weeks ago we were both ugly crying at just how sad this all was.

I feel like there’s a little sunshine above my head. I’ve got some ideas rolling around and I’m making good use of my time at home. I feel happy and it feels good.