Triggers

An event or situation that causes something to start.

Trigger–a word until almost a year ago I thought was probably overused because it was every where and people were being triggered by the most random things. I don’t know if I’ve changed my mind about the overuse of the word but it is a word that I am all too familiar with now.

When Patrick died I knew there would be things that I would remember that were specific to him. His blue hoodie. I knew cool weather was on the way so one day after school he and I stopped in Target to get a lite jacket. He saw the blue hoodie and had to have it! They didn’t have his size, but he loved it and I knew he’d grow into it, eventually! I had been doing this mama-gig for a long time. Pick your battles was a lesson I learned early on. Buying a blue hoodie a couple sizes too big was not my hill to die on. Blue hoodie bought and I had a very happy 5 year old. He loved that blue hoodie and he wore it every.single.day. It didn’t matter what the temperature was, Patrick had his blue hoodie on.

I remember finding it the first time after he died. It was in his backpack. I took it out and smelled it and rubbed it on my face. It smelled just like Patrick. Not stinky boy Patrick, just Patrick. I can’t tell you how many days I sat with that blue hoodie and just trying to make sure I could still smell him. The blue hoodie is safely tucked away in his memory box now. It’s taken on the smell of the box more now than Patrick’s smell and I’m okay with that now.

So things like his blue hoodie, walking by his empty bedroom, anything related to rainbows(his favorite color at the time of his death) and The Wizard of Oz(one of his favorite books) I felt somewhat prepared to handle.

The things I was not prepared to handle jumped out at me like a savage attack. It would literally feel like someone was stabbing me in my chest when I came across an ‘unplanned’ trigger.

Lego

I am a teacher and foolishly thought I was ready to go back to teaching the next school year(more on that later in another post). I went to a summer workshop. The workshop was going well and I was enjoying being back into a routine and seeing my teacher friends. We were a couple of hours into the workshop when the word Lego was mentioned and we were told that we would be doing a little project with Legos. My heart fell and I tried so hard to keep smiling and act like everything was fine. I ended up in the bathroom crying because of Legos.

Loose Teeth

I can’t remember when Patrick lost his first tooth. I remember the day and I have a picture of it, but not the exact date. He was just starting to lose teeth when he died. The first time he lost a tooth he was a little scared but then the tooth fairy showed up and that made losing teeth a lot less scary and a lot more fun! When Patrick died the autopsy report stated that he had 3 loose teeth.

I was having a good day at school and I had made it to the ‘it’s all downhill from here’ point in the day. I had gone to the cafeteria to pick my class up from lunch and take them out to recess. One of my students came up to me and said, ‘Mrs. G I need to go to the nurse. I just lost a tooth!’ Unplanned trigger. My partner teacher took my class out to recess and I sat in my classroom crying for 15 minutes over loose teeth.

Red Tennis Shoes

If you didn’t get to see Patrick teaching you dance moves in his red tennis shoes you missed out! I am forever grateful for those few minutes after school one day where my partner teacher, assistant principal, and I got private dance lessons from the sweet boy wearing red tennis shoes.

Holding Hands

I have my children and I’ve worked with children for many years. Holding hands with kids is just part of the territory. Everyday after school Patrick and his best friend would play together. When you’re a teacher’s kid the school is a completely different place after the dismissal bell rings. There are rules in place but sometimes…well, teacher’s kids tend to make their own rules after school. Patrick and his best friend’s after school activities usually included holding hands and running as fast as they could down the halls, sock skating, playing in the office, and of course helping teachers clean up.

It was just a few days into the new school year. School was out for the day. Patrick’s best friend found me. “Mrs. G I want to show you something!” I go to meet her and she grabs my hand and we’re off down the hall. She lets loose and shows me that she’s learned how to turn cartwheels. She’s grabbed my hand and we’ve walked down the halls together a lot. We’ve held hands and checked on and watered Patrick’s tree. She’s a good hand-holder and she was his very best friend.

I’ve gotten better with unexpected triggers. I guess they will always catch me by surprise. When they happen now, I try to remember Patrick and how happy he was to play Lego, get a visit from the tooth fairy, wear red shoes and show off his dance moves, and to play with and hold his best friend’s hand.