Rambling thoughts

I think I’ve used that title before… maybe… I can’t remember. I’d have to go back and look at my previous posts. Rambling thoughts because as I come up on the 2nd anniversary of Patrick’s death, it’s still so unbelievably hard to comprehend that all of this happened. I have so many things running through my head. Saturday will be 2 years since the accident.

Organ donation. We’ve anonymously mailed one of the organ donor recipients family for about a year now. In organ donation talk that’s about 2 letters each because of the process of sending the letters to the agency for review and then they forward the letters. A few months ago we were given full disclosure and I finally decided to go ahead and contact them. It is a strange feeling to talk to another person whose child is alive because mine is dead. I’m thankful for the opportunity to get to know this family. But dear god, what an overwhelming brain twist and overload of emotions it brings.

Grief. 2 years of grieving. It’s not better. I’d argue it’s worse. I don’t think it will ever get better. For it to get better I’d have to stop missing and loving Patrick.

God. I still get angry with God. Every day I have to make a choice whether or not I’m pissed off at God. It’s tiring. I think a lot of times it would be easier to just forget God and just move on. Instead of thinking God is sovereign, I could stop trying to understand why or look for some bigger meaning in all this and just believe something really bad happened in our family and there’s no loving creator of the universe that was supposed to take care of us and keep us safe. Still I pray…all day…every day… I hope someone is listening.

Aggravation. I wish(and this is on me because I don’t have to participate in social media or read certain posts) but I wish people would stay posting stuff like God will give you double for your trouble–No he won’t. Stop making bullshit up.

Hymns. Why do I doubt God but almost at the same time I can sing a hymn and for a brief moment in time everything is ok, makes sense, etc. In the Sweet By and By–one of my grandma’s favorites can make everything right with just the first few words. She sang that song and I’ll Meet You in the Morning every time she put us down for a nap when we were little. Then I wonder is she taking care of Patrick? He never knew her but surely there’s some connection since she loved me and took care of me, so she has to know him, love him, and somehow be involved in watching over him for me, right?

Strained relationships. Family and friends. My relationships have taken a beating the last 2 years. People that I thought were close are no longer a part of my life, people that I classified as acquaintances check in on me more than those that I thought were good friends, other relationships became strained and are completely severed. Do I want to restore these relationships? I don’t know. New people have shown up and become dear friends that I trust with my best and worst secrets. Old friends. There’s something about an old friend. They may weave in and out of your life but when the going gets rough they show up with the kleenex, the chocolate, dinner. Somehow that connection you made when you were 5 is still there. You don’t have to pretend about anything–you are just you and they are just them.

Work. It has been quite the school year. A lot of good, nothing terribly bad, not ideal because that will never exist again or did it ever exist?, but I’m making it and I survived and got a great evaluation. I don’t know why so many people keep saying, “I can’t believe you went back to teaching.’ I don’t know what else to do. That’s what I know and what I’m good at. It’s comfortable. It’s a routine that I recognize. The school is different, the grades and co-workers are different, but the routine is pretty much the same and it keeps me distracted and occupied. I also get paid which helps with my amazon addiction.

Triggers. Yep, they are still there. Maybe I’ve learned to deal with them a little better on some days… other days not so much.

Crying. Yep still happens every single day.

Worry. Maybe I should say fear. I fear I’ll forget Patrick’s voice and the memories of him that I have. Yes, fear because I don’t sit and obsess over it. I don’t even think about it all that much but it is worth mentioning because I don’t ever want to forget anything about Patrick. I look at my pictures from years past and my facebook memories every single day. It’s all I have left. If I keep looking at them, hopefully I won’t forget.

Emotions. Yep, I have them. What a party they have in my head. Most of the time I can keep them in check. They don’t like it, but better to have emotional regulation( 2 of my new favorite words) than not.

Brain. I can’t remember a lot of things. It’s starting not to bother me as much as it did right after the accident. Will my brain ever function like it used to? I doubt it. I’ve started to embrace the idea that I can start a conversation and 4 words into it I will completely forget what I was saying. I exchange similar words ALL. THE. TIME. I laugh it off. It doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to.

Marriage. Just so hard sometimes. People saying building a house is stressful on a marriage. Building a house is nothing on a marriage. That’s just two people arguing and trying to get their way on what kind of kitchen cabinet handles they want. 2 people devastated by the same loss but dealing with their grief and emotions in ways that are as different as they are, the pushing and pulling of grief, the toll the emotions take, the distance and walls that can be put up, knocked down, and put up again, that makes building a house look like a cakewalk. Grieving changes everything. Neither of us is the same person we were 2 years ago. We love each other very much. We’re doing okay. He’s still my favorite and I’d still choose him every time.

Next. I don’t know what’s next. Does the third year of grief get any better? Probably not–see above.