This picture is from a page I follow. I understand the sentiment. I’m also bothered by the idea of being ‘broken beyond repair’.
Grief is awful–no matter what kind of loss you have suffered, it just hurts. Some would argue that losing a child is the worst kind of grief, the worst loss you can experience. I would agree with that because of my own experiences with losing Patrick. Losing Patrick is different that any other loss I’ve faced–miscarrying a baby at 11 weeks, losing my grandparents, losing my sister, losing a job, losing a friend, losing my routine and what is normal to me and the list goes on. Loss comes to everyone and in all different ways.
I have days when I feel broken and beyond repair and right after Patrick died I was sure I would die at any moment. My doctor tells me I shouldn’t have survived the accident. They revived me. I don’t remember any of that. Many days I wish I would have died that day, too.
I see it in the way people act around me, they way they talk to me, the way they hang their head when they say Patrick’s name. I’m treated as fragile–and I am. On any given day I am only about 10 seconds from tears.
I would never begin to tell someone how to grieve or feel after the loss of a child. It is so personal and there are no rules in grief. You really do get to do grief how you want to. I know we almost, always want to have things our way and the one time we do get to do it our way, it’s a horrible, heart-wrenching, snotty, crying mess.
If you think I’m broken beyond repair or out of order–I’m not. I’m still me. I am forever changed, though. I’ll never be who I was before, because that part is tucked away for now. There will be bits and pieces of the old me that surface. I still like to laugh and find the funny in a situation. I still care about people but I just can’t put myself out there like I used to. I’m still on your side even if it doesn’t look that way. I care and love more deeply now. I don’t take simple things like a fun family outing or even a quick trip into town for granted. My compassion and understanding have compounded as have my fears. I stop and really listen. I have new pieces. I’m not broken, my pieces are just put together in a different order now.
No Rules In Grief 